Have you ever written God an angry letter?  Told Him what you REALLY thought?  I have…and you know what?  It set me free!

It was Tuesday, September 27, 2005…a little over a month after our son, Kael, died of a cord accident in the womb (two and a half weeks before his due date).  Mike walked into the room one morning to see me packing a backpack full of stuff…journal, Bible, pen, kleenex, water bottle, more kleenex, and snacks.  I told him I was going to have it out with God that day, and I didn’t know when I’d be back…but I’d be back before it got dark.  I also said I’d call him and let him know where I was just in case!  I was carrying such anger inside (so much so, that my joints were beginning to physically hurt).  I didn’t WANT to be mad at God…but I just cou
ldn’t help it.

I remember it was a quiet, sunny morning.  All the kids in the neighborhood were already in school.  I got in my car and just drove.  I turned on the radio and a song came on called, “Your’e Dancing with the Angels…” Really, God?  Angry tears streamed down my face.

Finally I found just the right spot.  It was a park in Rocklin, California that sat up on a hill and overlooked the city below.  The only other people there were a couple of maintenance workers way off in the distance below. Perfect.  I parked the car, grabbed my backpack, found a bench to sit on, called Mike to tell him where I was, and stared out at the field below.  For a long time…I just sat there…almost waiting.

You have to understand, the anger was like a weight strapped around my neck and it was choking me from experiencing life again.  All of my joy was gone.  My dreams of holding my first child were smashed to pieces and I was drugging myself at night with sleep aids to be able to escape the pain.  I was just so broken inside and so mad at God!

I took out a notebook and I began to pen Him a letter.  It was not a sweet letter at all…it was pretty yucky!  I let Him know exactly what I thought about it all!!  It was soaked with my angry tears… and everything I felt in my heart toward God and what He allowed to happen to me just gushed onto the paper!  I figured, he saw it there in my heart anyway…so why not get it out in the open?!  I would stop and cry…and then continue.  Cry, and continue.  Cry, and continue…until it was all out!  I wrote pages…and as I wrote and as I cried, I could feel my heart almost softening inside.  Something was happening to me…something I did not expect to happen when writing a mean letter to God.

With every angry word, it’s as if the chokehold was lessening and I was beginning to feel His love again!  He was setting me free!  With tired tears, I finally told God, “I don’t want to go home the same today.  I want to be set free of this anger and I want to feel love and joy again.”  As crazy as it sounds, I forgave God.  I told Him that no matter what happens in my life, I will always trust Him because He sees the big picture that I do not see.  Even though I didn’t understand why…I CHOSE that day to trust Him and not to be angry anymore.  The best decision I have ever made.

I sealed up my angry letter to God, and I declared that when I threw my letter away at the park trash can…that would be me throwing my anger away with it.

My healing began that day.  I was suddenly filled with hope. I got in my car a changed person…still broken, but not angry anymore.  My joints even healed up!  There was a lot more healing to come and a long road ahead of me, but I wasn’t to face it alone.   I had surrendered my heart to him, I had finally let go of Kael, and allowed Jesus to begin to heal me.  My journal entry for the following day begins, “I feel so different!  Oppression and anger is gone!  I can feel love again!   I feel HAPPY.  Yesterday was a monumental day.”

It’s been almost ten years.  On Friday we will celebrate on earth, our Kael’s turning 10 in heaven!  Our family is going to spend the day at the beach!!  I have watched God restore, heal, bless and love us!  I have seen others drawn closer to Jesus because of what we went through…and that’s special and dear to our hearts…sort of a tribute to Kael in a way! 🙂

1 Peter 5:10 says, “…and after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you.”  Amen to that!! 🙂

Happy Birthday, sweet Kael!  We love you, miss you, and look forward to the day when we can hold you again!